Not sure how this works - I'm working from a MacBook. And I'm kind of new at this posting, copying, and pasting thing. But I wanted to point out one thing that might be helpful. In iTunes, click on Preferences in the iTunes button. Click on Playback - you get the following screen shot. (OK, I can't type AFTER the picture - I wonder why?) See how you can select subtitling in English and Closed-Captioning? Neat. Now I gotta go and try that out! :-) See if it works... Maybe that's why it hasn't worked for some people even though they know that they downloaded a CC show from iTunes store...

Skimming over blogs today... CI = Lasik?

Hey, I'm skimming over blogs today. Caught a glimpse of Raychelle's blog. I just had a thought. OK, would you put babies through Lasik? Why or why not? The same concept could be applied to CI's. So, Lasik is a personal choice, right? Well, isn't CI a personal choice, too? Just a thought...

So... I guess what I'm saying is, don't implant children until they can make that choice for themselves, just like people who choose Lasik....

I've heard of a child who lost all of his/her hearing when he/she got his/her cochlear implant. The cochlear implant failed.

A kid is too young to make a decision. Then again, parents can make that decision for the child, because they're the parents. So I guess one can see both sides of that coin...

But the question I do have, can children go through Lasik?

I figured out something new today...

I think I finally figured out how to use a sign language interpreter... I didn't like using sign language interpreters, because I always felt they interfered with the direct access. I liked Gallaudet because of the direct access. Remember, I grew up oral/mainstreamed. I had "direct access" to education. Then when I went to Gallaudet, and I learned sign, and all the teachers signed, that was direct access. I really didn't like it when there were interpreters in the classroom because it was no longer "direct access". I liked CART much better. Not as disruptive in a weird sense. There's something about CART, or the printed word, versus a sign language interpreter for me.

Well, I think I finally figured out a few things. First, I need a sign language interpreter for meetings. That's a given. But I was leery about how to use a sign language interpreter... So I was rather shy about asking for appropriate accommodations... I think I figured it out. I think I'll use the sign language interpreter in a sequential manner instead of in a continuous manner. What does that mean? Well, it means that I look at the speaker directly, and if I miss something, I look over to the interpreter who will then interpret the last part that I missed. Now, I'm going to ask the interpreter to only sign what I missed, to not sign the whole time, because to me, it's disruptive. OK, so I finally figured out how I can use the interpreter in the best way for ME.

I'm finally figuring out how to use certain things that suits me and no one else. I'm finally figuring out how to deal with things by myself and not by what others say or do.

How do you deal with interpreters? Do you read the interpreter all the time, or do you use the interpreter for reinforcement? I prefer to look at the speaker and then use the interpreter for reinforcement or for things I might have missed. Not sure how practical it is, but it's worth a try. I wonder how interpreters feel about continuous versus sequential interpreting... I find all that interesting.

No wonder... I'm bilingual!

So, I spoke to someone today about why I feel so comfortable using sign language. I voice and sign, but sometimes I turn my voice off and just sign. Signing is sometimes easier than voicing. And sometimes voicing is easier than signing. It depends on what I want to express. I've noticed that when I get frustrated with the English language, I silently go over to signing to express exactly what I mean. Now, this is very useful when I'm communicating with someone who knows sign. Sign language can be so much more expressive than the spoken word! I was wondering why I was doing that - the other person said "simple, you're bilingual!" Oh, is that what bilingualism is? Interesting. Cool. I'm bilingual! Well... I'm actually TRI-lingual. Heh. My home country language, English and ASL. There is something to be said for bilingualism. I suspect that's why my English is so good - because I had a good foundation in another language before I learned English. Bilingualism. Hooray for bilingualism. Without it, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Remember, I learned sign language pretty late in life, so any discovery I'm making now is indeed a wonder for me.

No, I AM the MIRACLE CHILD!

OK, Alex's entry on Miracle Child on Seek Geo's Blog inspired me to write this entry about why I was so sick and why I got Gentamycin. For a long time, I had 7 possible causes of hearing loss.

I was born 3 months too early. That's possible cause number 1. Prematurity.

Then I was exposed to too much oxygen in the incubator. Possible cause number 2 - Anoxia.

I also had to suffer through 9 blood transfusions through one of my feet. That's possible cause number 3.

I got hit by hyperbilirubinemia - I became severely jaundiced. Possible reason number 4.

I suffered from meningitis. That's probable reason number 5.

Gentamycin, which I got because of my meningitis, is possible cause number 6.

And finally, possible cause number 7, is hydrocephalus. They had to drill a hole in my head to get the extra liquid out. I still have that hole. One of many reasons why I didn't go through Bald Day at Gallaudet. Heh. But I digress...

I was certainly very sick as a baby. I nearly died several times.

I finally got to come home after 3 months, on my mother's birthday. She was so happy.

Time went by.

Then, when I was 16 months old, I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor. OK, that's possibly another cause of my hearing loss. OK, so there are 8 possible causes of my hearing loss, not 7!

I went in for surgery for the brain tumor. I had a 50% chance of survival.

I guess I came home OK, and was fine until I was 22 months old. That's when they found out that I had a severe hearing loss.

Wow, with all that going on, I'm surprised I'm still around! I am certainly a Miracle Child. Ha.

Oh, and I'm officially cured of my tumor ;-)

So, yes, I still have a hearing loss, but as time has gone over the years, I've come to the realization that the Gentamycin is most likely the cause of my deafness.

How did I come to that conclusion? Well, my hearing loss is not typical of those who acquired hearing loss from meningitis, so meningitis has been ruled out.

However, the other causes still remain.

After reading about other people's experiences with hearing loss from Gentamycin and other ototoxic medications, I've come to realize that it's most likely the Gentamycin that caused my hearing loss, because their experiences are so similar to my experiences. So, I guess my hearing loss is not "etiology unknown" anymore! Heh.

I just thought I'd share my story. I'm kind of going back in time, I know. This should have been my very first post! ;-)

BTW, I've now added Alex's blog to my blogroll ;-)

Marlee Matlin on Dancing with the Stars

So, I watched the show yesterday.

I voted for her on abc.com 6 (six) times! Heh.

I thought she did GREAT! And the judges were lavishing her with praise, right? So I was expecting all 9's. Heh.

Nooo.... 7, 7, and 8. Hmm. Thought it'd be all 9's. My hearing boyfriend said that she danced great. And then he commented that "perhaps the judges didn't want to be too full of praise" - he thought Marlee was the best dancer of all :-) Oh, well, we'll see. Dancing with the Stars (DTWS) is sure exciting this season! I hardly watched DWTS last season.

I told my son to go watch DWTS, and he's like, "eh, I don't watch it". I tried to convince him, but no luck. Can't blame him - he doesn't like dance - and he's a typical 10-year-old boy!

VOTE! Go to abc.com and follow the instructions there.

I loved it when Marlee fingerspelled "vote, vote". It wasn't even translated or closed captioned. Neat. I liked that moment.

Dancing with the Stars....

I visited my grandmother yesterday. We talked briefly about Dancing with the Stars and her favorite TV shows. She said something kind of offensive. I had to educate her, correct her. Sigh. See, she called Marlee Matlin "deaf and dumb"! Then again, she's born in 1919. That's what they called deaf people who didn't talk back then. I gently told her, "um, they use the term deaf and mute nowadays"... Hmm, I just simply call them deaf. We're all different. Some of us can use our voice, some can but choose not to, and some can't but do use their voice. And yet others can't and won't use their voices. Doesn't matter what you choose. It's all about respect. That's all I have to say tonight.

I'm excited about this!!!

Wow, FINALLY!

I use a CapTel at home, and Sprint announced that they're releasing WEBCapTel! Whoo! This is exciting for me! This will make any accommodations for work FREE.

http://tinyurl.com/25qazq

Jericho... (SPOILER)

So I watched Jericho on CBS last night... I almost forgot about it, but happened to catch it on TV. I wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Jericho is not the show I remember from last season. I just know that I was upset that CBS canceled Jericho without tying up any loose ends. Well, I think this is the beginning of the end... It's somehow gotten more violent. I don't like that. And it's very eerie how J&R reminds me of Halliburton... There are other "similarities" that are a bit disturbing. There's a reference to 9/11. But worst of all! [spoiler warning ahead]












The deaf character, Bonnie, played by Shoshanna Stern, DIES! OK, this is definitely the beginning of the end! I think there are only 3 more episodes, anyway, and then the series is... KAPUT... Oh well, it was fun while it lasted... I'm just sad to see the deaf character leave us in that way. What a horrible way...

Advocating and educating...

I know, I'm full of stuff today. Yesterday I ran into an education and advocating moment. I actually had to tell someone that you can't use a VP as an interpreting agency! VP doesn't work that way, sorry. Why should we have "interpreters" for free for job interviews? VP frowns upon us using them as interpreters. I was thinking to myself, where did my advocacy come from? Usually, I'm as quiet as a mouse and tend not to educate and advocate. But yesterday I actually did that. I felt proud and accomplished after my scolding/lecture :-) I actually did something! I advocated and educated! Whoo!

I had a dream...

Gosh, what you see on TV can really influence your dreams!

Before I went to bed last night, the weather forecasters in my area had said that we had thunderstorm warnings and tornado watches.

I remember being really scared that there would be a tornado watch. What if it went over to a tornado warning? How would I know if I was in a tornado or not? I can't hear while I sleep. And would I wake up? I'm very difficult to wake up.

On to sleep. I dreamt that my whole family was at a shopping center. There was this really strange noise. I couldn't place what it was. No one explained, either, because they didn't know. It was something that no one had ever heard. There was this big group of people coming out of a mall across from the shopping center, crossing a busy highway. I was scared they were going to be hit by cars. At the same time, the strange noise was still going on. Then there was this announcement over the speakers that this was a tornado warning. Omigosh! We need to GO! We go to a fallout shelter. How we got there I don't know. Coincidentally, it's a middle school in my town, that's rather far from the shopping center we were just at. A big sign saying "fallout shelter". Lots of people milling about.

We walk in. Lots of cots. A big screen. Cats all around, too. I found this to be very puzzling. Cats. A gray cat. A striped cat. None of these is my cat. Where's my cat? Then the big screen comes on. Closed-captioning and an interpreter! Wow. What great equal access! Both! (I don't know if there is descriptive video for those with low vision, but it's basically an announcement, so perhaps they don't need descriptive video?) [Somehow, I see Barack Obama in that announcement... But I prefer Hillary Clinton! :-( Is this my way of seeing the future? Would Barack Obama actually be president? Interesting...] I was gleeful. Then we all went to our cots. People started coming in with dogs. My family and I were all worried about our dogs at home, and our homes. Between all of us, we have 3 homes, 4 dogs and a cat. Why wasn't I worried about my cat? And why in the world was I seeing my mom's dog who passed away last year, but not the new dog? I also saw a cat who passed away last year. Weird. Then the storm passed. We left. My mom got a call from her cellphone. It was one of her neighbors reporting on the house. Then the dream ended. I don't know what the neighbor told her. By the time I woke up, it was already morning. This made me happy because that meant I no longer had to worry about a tornado watch turning into a tornado warning - for now.

I'm only mentioning this dream, because it contains an example of equal access, and a prediction of the winner of the Presidential election! :-)

I recall several things my dad did for me...

Parents can be very supportive. While I was growing up, I remember lipsynching songs with my best friend using a hairbrush as a microphone. So, I was dreaming of becoming a megastar, a famous singer. My mother is very musical. One of my middle names is after a famous singer. So, naturally, I thought I'd grow up to be a famous singer. Ha. Well, remember when I told you that when I turned 11-12, reality struck? That's when I realized that I couldn't sing worth a whit. Who am I kidding? Why in the world should I be able to sing? Now that made me kind of depressed. I remember my dad trying to cheer me up by introducing a sound level meter, so that I could "see" my voice. I had a blast seeing the line going up and down according to the pitch I made. I was seeing sound. That was fun. There was hope for me yet!

My parents were both M.D.'s. So naturally I dreamed of becoming an M.D. But how was I to hear the stethoscope? My dad had a solution! He told me that there were amplified stethoscopes that could help me.

Another one, I was 12, and I got to fly in a glider. I loved it. The landing was scary, though. But gliding through the air in a plane with no engine was wonderful! So I told my dad that I wanted to learn how to fly a glider. But you couldn't learn to fly in a glider until you were 15. I asked my dad "But how can I hear the commands that the people on the ground give me?" My dad was dreaming up some kind of a rigged mechanism where I could read the spoken word. See, my dad's full of ideas.

I believe at one time he even had written down an idea for a better hearing aid - a programmable digital hearing aid! And that was before programmable digital hearing aids were even made.

My dad's an inventor, obviously. I think he even had an idea for a medical intervention for premature babies.

So, my father tried to help me as much as he could, encourage me as much as he could. He's a good guy.

Both my parents have patents in the medical field. When is it MY turn? I suspect I'll never ever be able to patent anything. I'm not very inventive. However, my son is very inventive. I suspect he'll have a patent some day :-)

My first experience with digital hearing aids...

OK, the blog muse struck me again! I've been mulling on this topic ever since I took the first step to create this blog...

I want to describe my very first experience with digital hearing aids...

Most of my life, I had been wearing bilateral analog hearing aids. For a while in college and after college (3 years), I only wore 1 analog hearing aid. I remember being at a real discomfort only using 1 hearing aid, so as soon as finances allowed, I begged the audiologist to give me TWO hearing aids. I need two. I can't survive with just one. The audiologist suggested digital hearing aids. Of course, they were expensive. But I tried out three different sets of digital hearing aids. I settled on Widex Senso P38 digital hearing aids. The first time I had my digital hearing aids programmed, I heard this humming noise. I'm like, "What's that?" The audiologist said that was the computer humming. My reaction was "Wow, how can hearing people STAND that? All that noise around them." The audiologist replied, "They learn to tune the noise out". I was highly skeptical of that. I never thought that I'd EVER tune out that annoying humming sound from the computer. I remember being really amazed at how much I could actually hear with my digital hearing aids. The digital hearing aids were a vast improvement over my old analog hearing aids.

Now, having analog hearing aids had a big disadvantage for me. I liked to turn those suckers up so loud that I ran the risk of damaging my hearing further. Luckily, with digital hearing aids, I don't run the risk of causing any further hearing loss.

Well, did I ever learn to tune the computer humming noise out? Well, yes, I did. Now I understand what the audiologist said that hearing people learn to tune certain noises out. But at the same time, I appear to be more sensitive to other noises, more than hearing people. Which is probably why my last job didn't work out too well. I did mention in a previous post that it was too noisy for me, making it difficult for me to understand people. At least I've gained a better understanding of what hearing people hear. I remember when I was younger, that I thought that I could never really imagine what it was like to have normal hearing.

I don't want to be hearing. I don't need to be hearing. I'm blessed, because I don't need to hear everything that goes around me. I don't have to hear all the crap around me :-) So, being deaf is a blessing :-)

You won't see any vlogs from me!

I'm camera shy ;-) One commenter in my fourth post suggested that I start a vlog. Well, I'm camera shy. So, you won't see any vlogs from me. But never say never. Maybe in 5 years I'll start a vlog. Ha. MAYBE I'll put up a picture. But again, I'm camera shy.

A new week is upon us... I'll actually have to apply to jobs tomorrow. Cover letters, don't like them. But what can you do? I'll be kind of busy during the week. Who knows when my blog muse will strike me again? ;-)

Later.

Why I won't get a cochlear implant...

I'm fine with whatever people choose to help them hear, as long as they work.

My hearing loss is in the 80 dB range, and my powerful digital hearing aids (most powerful on the market) bring my hearing back up to 30 dB. I'll use them, because they work for me. I know that hearing aids do not work for everyone.

I've enjoyed reading other people's blogs, such as "Going Deaf in Norway 2007", and "Ear of My Heart". Both of these blogs describe hearing loss caused by ototoxic drugs. Through these blogs, I've found that I'm not alone. I, too, suffer from recruitment. But I've also learned that there is a chance to lose more hearing as time goes by. No wonder then that my hearing loss used to be in the 60 dB range, and now it's in the 80 dB range. In college, my hearing loss was in the 75 dB range. Who knows if I'll lose my hearing as I grow older? Then what? I guess I'll miss listening to music, hearing the TV, etc. C'est la vie.

Because I have a poor speech recognition, my audiologist keeps asking me if I've considered a cochlear implant. My ENT tells me, "nah, you don't need a cochlear implant. Just face the people you're talking to and vice versa, and you'll be fine". So I tell this audiologist that I don't need the cochlear implant because my ENT told me that I didn't need one. So there. I'll listen to my ENT.

Plus, I suspect I can't have a cochlear implant, because I have metal clips in my brain. So a cochlear implant is out for me. Also, I've already been through 4 brain surgeries - I don't think I want to go through another one! Forget it. With my medical condition, I'll probably have to go through future surgeries, as well. But knock on wood, I haven't had to have a surgery since 1988. I hope I don't have another one again - ever. But it's probably very likely that I'll have to have another brain surgery when I get older. Who knows what the future holds?

I even have to have a medical ID bracelet that says "No MRI.". Someone asked me why I had that. Did I have a cochlear implant? Seems like, people are assuming, because I speak so well, and hear OK, and I wear a medical ID bracelet that says "No MRI", that I have a cochlear implant. Interesting! I told her, no, that I had metal clips in my brain, and thus could not have an MRI. I'm scared that should I ever get into a medical emergency, people will take me through the MRI machine instead of taking a CAT scan, and watch out, I would die. I don't know what a cochlear implant would do to me. Besides, I lost my hearing before I acquired language, and even with my hearing aids, I have poor speech recognition. That's just the way it is when you have a pre-lingual loss. You'll never get 100% speech recognition, no matter what technology you use to help you hear.

To be honest, occasionally I'm sad that I can't ever get a cochlear implant. But I've been deaf all of my life, so what does it matter now? A cochlear implant is not a panacea. It's not a cure-all. It's just an advanced hearing aid.

I remember glaring at my mother when she suggested that I get a cochlear implant. I'm like, NO WAY. My mother then said, "oh well, at least there's nerve regeneration in the pipelines." My mom can be so confusing sometimes. She encouraged me to go to Gallaudet, and then she turns around and suggests that I get this or get that. OK, are you accepting me for who I am? Are you accepting of my hearing loss? Then again, my mother is just being a mom. All parents want the best for their children. I can understand her point of view.

OK, fine, I'm all for nerve regeneration - I'd be all over that - but the fact remains that I lost my hearing before I learned language. I don't think ANY of that would help me improve my speech recognition. Sorry.

The years after college...

Job inteviews, oh my. I considered myself successful because I only went on a couple of interviews and got a job offer out of those two interviews. But the pay was not great. So I was miserable. I only lasted on the job for 11 months. On to the next job. My next job was at my alma mater, Gallaudet! I was there for 5 years. I loved being able to communicate however I wanted to. With my hearing co-workers, I used speech and sign. With my deaf co-workers, I used sign. I didn't have to worry about the students anymore. I didn't work with students at my job, so I was fine.

But I had to move to a different town after 5 years at Gallaudet. I temped for 4 months at a local university. Great experience. Great co-workers. Then I got a permanent job in a different department at the same university. But after about 4 years, that job ended because it was relocating to a different state. I did not wish to relocate, so I went on to find a different job. I found a new job. But it was harder this time, because this time it was a private company, and a big bad world. Full of cubicles, full of noise. I don't like noisy environments. Makes it harder for me to understand people. But I lasted there for a year and a half. But then I was outsourced! Sigh. So this brings us to the present-time. Here I am, now looking for a new job, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged. It's only been 2 months of looking for jobs, and I had an interview, didn't get a job offer, though, but somehow this time around is very difficult for me.

I'm now seeing a counselor, and we're talking in our sessions about my identity. So, this blog will serve as a springboard for my thoughts and feelings as I try to find where I truly belong. I suspect it's about finding YOURSELF. So, now I got to find myself. I still don't fit in fully in the hearing world, nor in the deaf world. I don't know what to call myself. I have one foot in the hearing world, and the other foot in the deaf world. What do I call myself? Yes, I know I'm a bit old for an identity crisis... Perhaps this is my midlife crisis? Am I going through a nervous breakdown? I hope not! I guess I just gotta slog through all this and just FIND MYSELF.

In the meantime, feel free to join me. Is this what they mean by 'deafhood'? Finding yourself and finding the correct label for yourself? Truth is, I have some hearing, but not enough to be called hearing, and I haven't lost enough hearing to be called deaf, or am I deaf? Clinically, I have a severe to profound hearing loss. My hearing loss is now in the 80 dB range. Quite a drop from my childhood, where I allegedly had a hearing loss in the 60 dB range. I also don't like to call myself hearing impaired. Nor do I like to call myself hard of hearing. I like to call myself, I'm a person with a severe hearing loss. That's a mouthful, isn't it? I need a better label for myself :-) Especially for hearing people, who seem scared when I tell them that I'm deaf, or I'm hard of hearing. I find that saying that I have a hearing loss works the best when relating to hearing people...

Because I'm not exactly deaf, but I'm not hearing, either. But I'm NOT hearing-impaired, or hard-of-hearing, either... I'm simply... ME. But how do I define myself to others?

College years

I arrived on campus several weeks before the semester began. I had to go through the New Signers Program, and then through New Student Orientation. Whoa. Talk about a culture shock. The first 3 weeks were heady, I'll tell you that. Wow, sign language, so beautiful! And so easy to understand! I fit in here! I finally fit in! This is ME! I was happy. But still scared. I was far away from home. I occasionally got homesick.

The semester began. I started interacting with more people, especially people who grew up DEAF, deaf, deaf of deaf parents, grew up in a deaf institute, exposed to sign language all their lives, etc. People would sign "hearing" on their forehead when they interacted with me. But wait, I'm trying to fit in! I'm one of you! What are you talking about? How dare you call me a name? I got kind of sad. So, I was kind of isolated during college, too. But I loved my roommates. They were all a wonderful bunch of people. We were all similar. No prejudices there! And I made sure to hang out with other people more like me. I knew better not to hang out with people who didn't want to be with me.

And I could finally understand what was going on in the classroom. I didn't have to worry about taking notes, or having a notetaker. I don't even know how to take notes to save my life!

I was amazed at the speed I learned a new language, American Sign Language. I became very fluent (I'll never be native, because I never grew up with it) in ASL, or perhaps more accurately, Pidgin Sign English (PSE)? So now I knew three languages, and a smattering of a foreign sign language.

I remember not knowing what I wanted to major in in my first 2 years at Gallaudet. I couldn't decide. Did I want to major in psychology? Did I want to major in this? In that? I finally decided on a major.

I had a spring internship in my senior year, and I didn't change my major, but I changed my career goals because of that internship.

I graduated from Gallaudet.

The Post-Graduate World (and the ADULT, big bad world) next!

High school years

I came to the U.S. My parents and I visited a deaf institute. I remember being scared of the nuns, and wondering how in the world I was going to learn English and American Sign Language at the same time. My parents didn't like the school - it was too focused on vocations rather than liberal arts. But the most important opinion was mine. And I wasn't interested in going to that school, period. It was too alien for me.

So my parents did more research, and they found a mainstreaming program in a local public high school. I was not the only HH kid there. There were at least 6 other HH kids. We all had resource one hour daily every week. We got extra help in understanding the materials, etc. We also had to wear a big FM system. Being the good obedient girl I am/was, I wore this FM system every day without complaints. I rolled my eyes every time I heard my HH school mates complain about having to wear the FM. What was the big deal? At that time, I could care less about other people and what they thought of me. I wore that FM system proudly. Of course, I couldn't use a sign language interpreter, as I didn't know sign language. We had a professional notetaker instead. That really helped with the class material. I do remember always having to read ahead so that I could follow easier in the classroom. So, when kids read 1 chapter for homework, I read 2 chapters. That's how I coped. It was different being totally in the hearing world. I didn't have to worry about missing anything at my old school, the self-contained HH classroom...

So, I had a front-row seat in every classroom. I had to sit there all day and focus on lipreading. Talk about using up a lot of energy! Looking back now, there is no wonder I didn't do any homework at home after school. I was simply too tired and wanted to just veg out. But I coped with that problem as well. I simply did my homework in the mornings before school. Yep, lots of early mornings. I also used study hall/detention times wisely. And I made sure to use my resource time to do homework every chance I got. I just didn't do homework at night at home. No way, no how. Just too tiring.

In 1988, the famous DPN protest at Gallaudet happened. That was my first taste of Gallaudet. My parents' as well. So, junior/senior year came. My mother encouraged me to apply to Gallaudet so that I could learn deaf culture and American Sign Language. I huffed at it. I was like, "I don't think so..." So, I went ahead and applied to state universities, but I also applied to Gallaudet just in case. I don't remember if I visited Gallaudet in high school. Maybe I did...

Anyway, I was really adamant about going to a "normal" hearing school, like a state university. OK, I got my first rejection. I hate rejections. Gallaudet was the second school I heard from. They had accepted me. So, not sure why, but I immediately informed the other colleges to remove me from their consideration. I do remember being afraid. I wanted to be a veterinarian in high school. Of course, Gallaudet didn't have too many science courses. I also remember wanting to be an International Relations major.

I graduated from high school with an advanced diploma. Only one other HH student had that diploma that year. The other HH kids graduating that year had a general diploma. Boy, was I proud of that accomplishment.

On to college....

Finding my identity... An intro

I'm new to Blogger. Bear with me as I get familiar with Blogger. I set up this blog so that I could write and express my feelings about my identity.

A bit about me: I was born in 1972. As a baby I was very sick and received Gentamycin, an ototoxic antibiotic, which resulted in a 60 dB hearing loss (I think - I'm double-checking with my mother). I grew up in the hearing culture. I'm the only member of my family who has a hearing loss. I went to an integrated preschool with hearing children and other hard of hearing kids. I remember being in a self-contained class with other hard of hearing children. I didn't think I had any adult role models at that time, so I was very surprised to find out years later (in my young adult life) that the teacher who was teaching me in preschool had a hearing loss herself. Imagine. I didn't know. Sign language was never used. She knew sign language but was not allowed to use it.

I had a friend in that preschool. We lived in the same school district and took the same taxicab home. She was 2 years older than I. We used to come to each other's homes quite often. She went to a deaf institute after graduating from preschool. I went to a hard of hearing program after I graduated from preschool. We must have been very different, if we were separated that way. I was not "deaf" enough to go to a deaf institute, apparently.

For convenience, I'm going to label "hard of hearing" HH, OK? I grew up in a certain way, so bear with me as I take you through my story. If this gets to be too long, I'll break it up in smaller sections.

I started elementary school in a local public school. I remember there being 5 buildings. One building was the administration building. There was a dentist on location. Another building was a self-contained "HH" classroom building, where there was an ENT on site, and a speech therapy clinic in the building as well. A third building was for "normal" children. A fourth building was for vision impaired children. And the last building was an "illegal" post-graduate school for HH children. My parents always joked and said that my school was full of vision-impaired, hearing-impaired and normal-impaired children. So, I grew up with the notion that there is no such thing as normal.

I remember being the only kid who had speech therapy EVERY DAY. My other classmates didn't have to go to speech therapy every day. Boo. Of course, they had better hearing than I did. I just remember that I hated that I had to go every day when the other kids didn't have to.

I was one of 7 HH in a self-contained classroom and building. We had every grade in that building. We were the same, as we all had similar hearing losses and similar communication skills. I was one of them. I fit in.

But once I reached the age of 12-13, I realized that we were different from "normal" people. That made me very sad somehow. We started interacting with true biz deaf people who knew sign language. But we had no way to communicate with them. And I had no way to communicate with hearing people, either. I felt out of place, really out of place everywhere I turned. The truth is, the group of HH people are smaller than the group of deaf people, which in turn are smaller than the group of hearing people. Some of my friends started to learn sign language. We started having sign language classes in school. But we never really became fluent in sign language. We actually had our own association, for HH kids only. But once we started hanging out with the deaf kids more, I felt more left out. That was not a fun place to be. Oh, and the teachers in my elementary school also knew sign language, but they didn't use it. Good grief. What's the matter? You know sign, but you're not allowed to use it? Interesting.

Second part to follow...